Photo Credit: Tamara Brown at Brown Photography
Welcome to my blog series, “Here’s to You, Stellar Parent”, where we celebrate incredible parent figures from all walks of life and happenstance who have shaped, molded, and been in our corner to raise and support us for the better.
There is no one shoe fits all in parenting and this space is to showcase the importance of parenting, to better learn from and be inspired by them, and to be reminded of their role that deserves to be celebrated.
Today I am happy to share with you my interview with none other than my dear friend, Cristal Musingi.
Cristal has four children: two girls and two boys that are 20, 19, 17, and 16 years old.
Cristal is an amazing single Mama who works full time.
In Cristal’s words, her hobbies are her children, their family dog, weight lifting, and exercising.
One fun fact about Cristal is that she speaks Lithuanian because of the church mission she served.
Cristal doesn’t watch a ton of TV, since she feels there’s really not a whole lot that interests her. And is it any wonder when in her day to day life, she is happily making memories and being busy with a purpose with her kiddos.
The following is my interview with Cristal which was an absolute joy to take part in and I hope you will enjoy and learn from it as I did.
How do you measure success in your role as a parent?
When I was a younger Mom, I equated a lot of that success with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, with children being obedient and active in the church or in your chosen religion. And through choices that my children have made or chosen not to make, I’ve had to change my definition of success.
Success now to me is a good relationship with my children regardless of the choices they have made or chosen not to make and follow.
What have you found that has been key in raising your children?
I think children equate love with time. So regardless of the age of my children, if they have something going, it’s been a priority for me to be there. It could be a choir concert, a wrestling tournament, a volleyball game, anything that they have going that is important to them that’s where you’ll find me. Wherever my kids are, that’s where I’ll be.
Who have been positive influences in your life towards how you strive to parent?
I think my biggest role model would absolutely be my Mom. I was raised by a single Mom and she was very athletic when she was young, but once she became a Mom, her focus shifted to her kids. That’s where I’ve learned my philosophy is from her. Her being a single Mom, she found ways to be paid for wherever we were.
So if I was playing softball, my Mom was either coaching the softball team and being paid from the high school. If my brother was playing basketball, she was either reffing the basketball game or she was driving the bus for the team.
When we were in high school, she was a police officer, and so she would find ways to be paid as a security guard to work the football games. So all three of us would go to the football games and at the end of the night we would all go home together, but my Mom had been paid for the three hours being at the football game with her kids.
Talk about being resourceful and mindful at the same time. That’s incredible!
Yup! So I’ve really learned a lot from her. My priorities are my kids, first and foremost. That’s how it is now and that’s how it will always be is my children.
Cristal’s kids (from left to right): Myka, Kenyon, Koko (the family dog), Kyra, and Myles
Can you tell us one special thing about each of your children?
My oldest daughter Myka loves music and musicals. So she has twisted our arms and drug us out to multiple musicals in Utah and here in Idaho, and we have gained an appreciation for her love of music.
Kenyon loves cars and shoes, so he decided that one of his jobs would be to work at Foot Locker where he gets a stellar discount on anything Nike and anything shoe related. So he’s taken his hobby and turned it into a job. And he also loves electronics, so he’s also working full time at Best Buy. So he’s taken another hobby, another interest and turned it into work.
Kyra is my volleyball player, she’s the starting setter for the varsity volleyball team at IF. She would love to play volleyball in college, but for right now she’s going to focus on going on a church mission. So we’ll see where volleyball works into the Lord’s plan.
And Myles loves skateboarding and girls, not necessarily in that order though.
All of your kids are great kids.
They are and we enjoy being together.
It shows, when you’re together there is a lot of joy and unity there. It’s very evident.
What is one aspect of parenting that you feel is sometimes overlooked or undervalued?
The last three years I have learned much about agency and about how God values our agency. We learn about that a lot at church but I think when you come upon the age of teenagers and they start making choices, and they’re not the choices that you want or expect them to make, it can be really hard. And sometimes you feel like a failure as a parent and yet I’ve had to reexamine my definition of success and how Heavenly Father values our agency and how he expects us to value our children’s agency just as much.
I’ve watched a lot of parents when the kids start to push those boundaries, if the kids don’t agree with the parents philosophy then the parents turn around and kick the kids out of the house.
To me that hasn’t worked. You know I tried to get my kids to conform to what I wanted them to do, but that just pushed them farther away. So eventually, I had to totally change my way of thinking to realize that I would rather have my children in my life and have us agree to disagree on certain things, than to have my children not be in my life.
Better to have them in your home and in your life so as to still love them and to some degree give them some sort of influence so they know that they can still turn to you and trust you, right?
Yeah and I still have rules, they have to obey my rules. But my rules don’t dictate that they have to go to church or that they have to do certain things. Like I don’t want drugs and alcohol in my home, but that doesn’t always guarantee that they choose not to use or consume. But in my home these are the rules and they know what the rules are and what Mom expects.
It all comes from a lot of trial and error, lots of trial and error. And it’s hard, because my will against theirs, it’s hard. With some of my kids it hasn’t been a perfect relationship but we’ve worked together to make it work and rebuild.
We had to relearn how to trust, to give and take, and our relationship now is better than it has ever been. But we both had to learn a lot and give and take, and we’ve rebuilt that relationship.
What is one piece of advice that you’ve been given that has helped you the most in parenting?
So I had four kids in five years, that was twice we had three kids in diapers, and my Dad just kept telling me enjoy the stage that you’re in.
So when my kids were little and we just toted around diaper bags, snacks, and apple juice I just tried to enjoy that stage. And then they would grow and they would change and I’d go no actually this is my favorite stage. This is the age we need to keep them at. And yet every time that they grow and change that stage becomes my favorite.
So if you ask me what my favorite stage is, it’s the stage we’re in now. Because I have two young adults that are working full time, and two high schoolers and they’re busy, but yet we all meet at the end of the day and we just have a great time. We enjoy being together, we find things we all love to do, and it’s all about give and take. If we’re going to a musical and the boys don’t want to go then maybe they stay at the hotel and swim. Then when we’re done with the musical, we find dinner together.
But you just have to enjoy the stage that you’re in, you can’t say I’ll be happy “when”, cause then you’ll never be happy. So we’ve just learned to enjoy the stages as we go. You have to enjoy the journey, not just the destination.
Out of everything you teach your children, what are some of the most important lessons you hope they’ll carry with them throughout their lives?
First and foremost, I want them to know that their Mom will love them and that their Mom will help them. Whatever is important to them is important to me. And it may not always be the same thing that I feel is important or that I feel is right, but Mom will always love them. So that unconditional love has got to be first and foremost.
Years ago, I would’ve said the Gospel, but as my children have grown that hasn’t been the most important thing to my boys. So I’ve had to change my expectations. They know that that is important to me and it will always be important to me, but for right now I just need to focus on love. And love will get us where we want to be, and eventually I hope that that’ll be important to them again.
Amidst the demands and roles of life, how do you take time to care for yourself?
I usually get up early in the morning while my kids are still sleeping. I do scriptures, prayer, and exercise before the kids even move. I’ve just had to do that ever since they were little.
I have to take care of myself first so that my cup is full for when I go to work or go home and be a Mom, cause if my cup is empty there’s nothing to give.
How did exercise become one of the main things that you have needed to take care of yourself?
I have a strong family history of diabetes and so I have had to be proactive in taking care of my health, otherwise I’m going to end up with diabetes. I have a great grandfather, a grandmother, a father, and an uncle who all have diabetes. So it’s probably in the genes, which led me to decide pretty early on that that has to be first and foremost. I got to take care of myself so I have energy to take care of others. And it’s become something I’ve really enjoyed.
Those three things have become like my pillars: scriptures, prayer, and exercise. If those things are in balance, then my life is in balance. If I’m missing one of those, then my life gets out of balance, and I start to teeter and totter, and things are not pretty.
What is one piece of advice you want to emphasize for new parents?
That’s a great question. I think one of the most important things to realize as a new parent is whatever rules you want your child to have as a teenager has to be introduced when they’re young. From the time they’re little little.
For example, I always wanted my children to know that modesty is important. My girlfriend has kids that are about six years older than my kids, so I asked her when her kids were little, “how do you teach children about modesty?” And she said, “Oh Cristal, you got to start when they’re little. Don’t let them wear bikinis, tank tops, that sort of thing, because that’s already a part of their habit before they get to be teenagers.”
Otherwise it’s justifiable.
Yes! So you can’t change the rules when they become teenagers. They have to be the same rules that you’ve always had.
So I did the same thing with family home evening and scripture study, we did it when they were little. So even when my kids couldn’t sit still long enough to have a lesson for family home evening, we’d just sing primary songs and they would dance and that was family home evening. Then as the kids got older and they could sit still longer, listen, pay attention, and learn, then we already had that habit established and they loved that habit.
I’ve also done the same thing with their friends. If you want to know who your kids’ friends are when they’re teenagers, you have to know who their friends are when they’re little. I’ve done that with all of my kids, so it’s nothing new for me to say, “Hey where are you going? Who are you hanging out with? What are you guys doing tonight?” because I’ve always done that. So now for example, tonight Kyra left for a soccer game and said, “This is where I’m going, this is who I’m hanging out with, this is what’s going on” and it wasn’t any big deal because I’ve always done that.
You’ve set that expectation.
Starting from when they were little, little kids. I want to know who their friends are, where they’re going, and what they’re doing, and it was important to me because it was important to them.
What is one piece of advice you want to give to struggling parents?
I think your kids have to know that you care about them and they have to know that same thing from when they’re little, little. You can’t just not have a relationship with them and then expect to show them that you care when they’re teenagers.
That relationship has to be built over time, by those little tiny things like going to baseball games, going to soccer games, going to choir concerts, finding those things you like to do together.
So if you’re a young parent, start early. Figure out the relationship you want to have with your kids, find out what you want to be important when they’re teenagers, and start doing it when they’re little.
Do it now when it’s easier to do it, rather than later.
Yup you got to make those habits when they’re just little. I once had a really smart Mom tell me that, “The Lord gives you eight years to be the primary influence in your children’s life before Satan has an opportunity to tempt them.” And everything you need your child to know or understand, you need to teach them and they need to understand before they turn eight.
So you’ve got to have those relationships and those priorities. Obviously you can’t tell them everything right away, but you can teach them child-like pieces of each of those really important life concepts. But you’ve got to have the groundwork laid and the relationships laid before they turn eight.
What has proven to be most effective in how you raise and nurture your children?
I would say time. Dinners are super important. They say that there are three times that are super important for your kids: when they wake up in the morning, when they get home from school, and when they go to bed.
And if we as parents can be at those crossroads, we can do a lot of good. So depending on whether you’re a stay at home Mom or a working Mom, you’ve got to find ways to be at the crossroads when the kids are coming and going.
What has been the most difficult part of parenting thus far?
Well I just went through a bad divorce and I think that was probably the hardest part of parenting, because we started on the same page and somewhere along the road someone chose a different path.
So it’s hard to continue teaching those same morals, principles, and values when the person who had been teaching those with you decides to take a different path. Because then that makes the kids doubt everything that you’ve taught them their whole life. And they start to question and doubt the things that have always been important in their life.
So I’d say one of the most important things in parenting is for parents to be on the same page, be going towards the same goal, and working on the same path.
What has been the most rewarding part of parenting?
For my kids to say that their Mom is their best friend. You can’t be a friend all the time, you still have to hold them accountable, and teach them morals, values, and ethics.
But my teenagers and my young adults still like to go places with me because they’re not embarrassed to be with me, because that’s just how things have always been. It’s pretty amazing.
With my Mom it’s the same way. My young adults and teenagers still love to go to my parents because we don’t sit around in rocking chairs and talk about the good ole days. Heck no, we go on bike rides, we go to escape houses, we go to basketball games, we go to all sorts of fun stuff and we’re continuing to make memories. My parents find things to take us and do things with my kids that are important to my kids.
The going and the doing and the making memories is huge! That’s what keeps us together.
Being involved and being present.
Yup, for sure.
Cristal’s kids making memories with their Grandma.
If you could go back to when you first became a parent, what would be one thing that you would say to yourself?
I would say just do the very best you can every day. Live so you don’t have any regrets. I think I’ve done amazingly well, I think, for the challenges and struggles of the last three years. You know?
When things fall apart you want to give up, but I think if you keep moving forward you’ll be able to see the fruits of your efforts. And I think we’re headed on that path. It’s not the path I ever anticipated or planned on, but I think we’ve all learned important lessons through the challenges and the struggles that we’ve been through.
—————————————————————————–
Thank you again for taking part in and reading my interview for my blog series, “Here’s to You, Stellar Parent” with my dear friend, Cristal Musingi.
What is a childhood memory that you most cherish with your family?
Please comment below and share this blog post if it has been of value to you or could be to someone else.
If you have someone in mind that you think I should interview for this blog series, please let me know by contacting me either through my work email: stephanietracy26@gmail.com, or through my work Facebook page: Stephanie Tracy Writes.
About the Author
Hi there! I’m Stephanie Tracy, a freelance writer, blogger, and copy-editor for hire. I specialize in physical and mental health, parenting, and self-development. I create engaging, inspiring and useful content to help businesses progress in making their viewers into customers. When I’m not writing, you can find me happily playing with my toddler, walking in the park with my family, or indulging in a movie marathon with my husband.