Welcome to the blog series “Here’s to You, Stellar Parent” where we celebrate incredible parent figures from all walks of life and happenstance who have shaped, molded, and been in our corner to raise and support us for the better.
There is no one shoe that fits all in parenting and this space is to showcase the importance of parenting, to better learn from and be inspired by them, and to be reminded of their role that deserves to be celebrated.
Today I am happy to share my interview with none other than my dear friend, Christopher de Vries.
Christopher is the father to his two beautiful children, Atticus, who is three years old, and Adelaide, who is one years old.
Christopher is married to his stellar wife, Rhiannon, and is currently studying in chiropractic school in New Zealand.
Christopher absolutely loves reading, going on walks and adventuring, to play games: puzzle games, board games, strategy, & video games, and playing with his kids.
One fun, random fact about Christopher is that he has $28,000 worth of titanium alloy in his head … from brain surgery.
Christopher’s current favorite TV shows are Modern Family and The Office.
The following is my interview with Christopher, which was an absolute joy to take part in, and I hope you will enjoy and learn from it as I did.
How do you measure success in your role as a parent?
I measure it by how happy and loving my children are.
That’s a great way to measure that by. Has there been anything that has specifically influenced that mindset?
The tenants of my faith, like the Gospel of Jesus Christ, have influenced that greatly. Our freedom of choice is a gift from our Heavenly Father. Learning and gaining knowledge are so important.
Also I think other things that have influenced that is by how I was raised. And Rhiannon has done a lot of research into parenting and so we’ve had some good discussions that have come from that. Like one of the questions she asked was, what do you remember about the people who had a big influence on you, especially the people who raised you, your parents, what do you remember or what do you love about them? What made them great parents?
So I was like, well they always tried to provide me with experiences, they always said they loved me at night, and they read me stories, and on and on. Which made me go, oh! Wow, so those are things that were super important to me that I loved and those came from my parents.
So that’s why I answered the way that I did, because that’s what made me feel loved, important, and special, so I want to project that onto my children.
Christopher goofing around with his son, Atticus.
Photo Credit: Jenny Pasterfield
What have you found that has been key in raising your children so far?
Honestly I would say it’s a pretty basic answer that can be a little more in depth and it’s a common answer, I think because it’s such a good answer, is the key to raising them is loving them.
How that comes across for me is sharing with them everything that has brought me happiness in my life. Which has been my faith.
I love having new experiences so I share new experiences with them. I try to provide opportunities for them to do things that they enjoy. I spend time with them because that’s something that brings me a lot of joy is spending time with my family and the people I love.
Who have been positive influences in your life towards how you strive to parent?
So obviously parenthood is a journey, and as we have gotten into different situations, we’ve been really learning that parenting is very fluid, in a way. Cause when we’re raising one child and we’re new parents, we think about our parents because they are the biggest models we have. We were both raised in very good families with lots of siblings, so our parents were the models that we had.
Then we moved in with another couple who had a child, for school reasons we had to live with roommates because it’s expensive to live in Auckland, New Zealand. All of a sudden that changed things too, because we now have two families living in the same household, with two different parenting styles, with children that are interacting with each other all day long.
So suddenly we had to start thinking about things we needed to change and move around. Then we had another baby and having a new baby with two toddlers running around, and one of the toddlers is not your own toddler, that then changes things again.
Then our roommates had another baby. So now we have three toddlers running around with a new baby, and the new baby is not ours, and that changes things once again.
So I think a really, really big resource as well that’s really helped is number one, again, the tenants of my faith with the why are we here, where do we come from, and where are we going? Along with the answers to those questions.
There’s something really cool too with where are we going? It’s that we not only know where we’re going, but we believe that we’ve been given the roadmap of how to get there. So it’s then making sure my kids understand those things and that they’re important to me. So they not only know where they are going but what they need to do in order to get there, to get to that goal.
Number two is again the research Rhiannon has done. So another thing that’s important is education, but not the education that most people think of, there’s something called intuitive learning that we’ve really looked into a lot. We’ve also done some unschooling too. That can be applied in a lot of ways to parenting as well. There’s some really great books and resources out there and those have really started to influence how we look at children.
As I was saying earlier about what do I remember about my parents that I love? It was them spending time and all of these other kinds of things. And what helped me become a better person? It was seeing the example of my father, being kind to people, and offering service and help. It was my mother doing countless wonderful things for others. I do not think that what helped me to become a better person was my parents putting me in timeout a lot when I did certain things. Or my parents made me write lines or run stairs or whatever else. I honestly don’t think that those things had a very big impact on me at all.
I do remember a certain instance where I had said something mean, pushed my brother Erik, and I ran downstairs. But then instead of being put in timeout or getting into trouble, my Dad came downstairs and he just picked me up, gave me a big hug, and asked if I was ok? Why I did what I did? I told him, but then I didn’t get in trouble.
He just said, “Oh well, it’s not good if we hurt other people. Sometimes if we get frustrated or mad maybe we should think of doing it this way…” and on, and on. Then again he gave me a big hug, asked if I was ok, went back upstairs, and I just sat there thinking about what had happened.
And I think that that is super, super important to realize for us with parenting and influences of parenting, cause that’s what really does the majority of the influencing is not the punishments dolled out but the positive examples in our life that we have and to then emulate those positive influences.
Recognizing what’ll be truly effective?
Yeah exactly. That’s something else that’s been really cool about the discussions about parenting. Like a three year old doesn’t know a lot. Things that we think are common sense, they don’t know. So dolling out punishments for a lot of stuff like making a big mess and then having to clean it up since they made that big mess, it’s recognizing that there are other ways of teaching them instead of giving out a consequence or punishment. Often by leading by example they start to pick things up, and it’s not immediate either.
Or another example is like, “You smacked your sister, so that’s timeout.” Well hold on! That leads them to wonder, “Why can I wrestle and smack Daddy but I can’t wrestle and smack my sister?” It’s common sense to us, well it’s because she’s a baby. But that’s not common sense to a three year old. Three year olds don’t get that kind of thing, three year olds don’t get a lot of stuff.
Like we’ll laugh when you take a coin, put it in your hand, then put it behind their ear, pull it out, and they go, “Wow!” Then you pretend to eat it and it’s still in your hand. The three year old is blown away by that, us adults laugh and go, “Oh children. They just don’t get it.” But then on the flip side we get angry and frustrated when they do or don’t do something and go, “Why don’t they get it? Why don’t they understand that they can’t wrestle with their little sister? Why don’t they get that?” Because they don’t understand anything else! Why would they understand that?
So punishing them for something when they don’t understand why they’re in trouble doesn’t help. They don’t get it. They just know that if they do this thing then they get punished, but not the why. They don’t understand the why or the reason behind it.
That’s why if Atticus goes up and does something like that we always go over, pick him up, pick up the child that was there too, and ask if they’re ok, give them hugs and kisses, help them calm down, then we’ll say something like, “Maybe so and so needs a kiss cause when we do that, that can really hurt. So we need to make sure that the people are ok and that’s why we always ask if they want to play those games.”
So now he knows, “So if someone’s crying, you give them a hug, give them a kiss. Ok. I think I need to start asking maybe. It’s important to ask.” There’s no punishment being doled out, not a lecture either, it’s just a little comment and an example of what to do.
Christopher studying with Atticus’s help.
Photo Credit: Rhiannon de Vries
Can you tell us one special thing about each of your children?
Oh yes I definitely can! The first thing that comes to mind is that Atticus is a little adventurer. He was walking way before Adelaide, he runs around, jumps off of stuff, everything like that, but he’s not interested in drawing, coloring, or anything like that.
Now Adelaide, Atticus was walking at like 9 or 10 months, but Adelaide started walking a couple weeks ago and she’s a year and two months old. However, she likes to sit and draw and talk way more than Atticus did when he was her age.
So it’s so fun to see how their personalities are so different.
Also Atticus and Adelaide are both so brave with people. When we go on walks and we see people coming towards us, they both start waving, saying hi, and saying good morning. So that’s super fun.
What is one aspect of parenting that you feel is sometimes overlooked or undervalued?
I would say for me, it comes back to the punishing and rewards. There’s a book that we’ve read called, “Punish by Rewards” by Alfie Kohn, and it’s a really, really good book and very powerful. I feel the thing that gets overlooked or ignored is, that’s a bit more of a complex idea, but it’s the idea of “I was raised this way and I turned out fine, so that’s how I’m going to do it”.
People often overlook this, cause I mean my parents are wonderful and I love them to death and I think my brothers and I turned out very well, obviously, but it’s important to think, “Well hold on, was there or is there a better way?”.
And I feel that a lot of the time there is, because in parenting, I feel like there’s this idea of one boot fits all. That’s another thing too, you can’t just read one book and think that’s how you’re going to parent and you’re done.
No you keep reading, you keep learning, and you progress, and as your children age and progress, or even if you move into different situations, like with our situation in moving in with roommates, you need to stop and reevaluate. Cause it’s not a one shoe fits all at all!
There’s also the idea that with parenting once you’ve got it – you’ve got it, I feel like that’s wrong. Even if you have a ten year old and so you’ve been parenting for ten years, but then suddenly you have a new baby, that changes the dynamic of things and you need to be willing and humble enough to change.
It gives you the chance to think back on how you’ve parented thus far and think how some things worked but maybe the way you did other things was wrong. So I feel like that’s overlooked and definitely ignored, because far too often it’s about taking the simpler route that may be better or easier for the parents but not better for the kids.
I think when you have that kind of mindshift and are willing, like you said, to change and see if there’s a better way, that it just makes for a far more open atmosphere where there’s no unnecessary tension. Like yes there’s expectations, but those expectations aren’t meant to weigh you, they’re meant to progress you. So I’m sure having that is huge and you’ve no doubt felt that in your home.
Yeah, 100%! I really, really feel that. Like I said earlier, it’s not about what’s easiest for the parents, and I think sometimes it seems tempting and that’s why time-outs or “oh just do this and I’ll give you a cookie, or more video-game time, or whatever” is tempting but it’s not necessarily teaching your child anything.
And there are so many studies that are out now that show that that’s not the best, but it can be tiring to be repetitive and patient and kind and all that versus yelling at them and giving out a punishment and a two minute time-out for a wrong behavior which can feel a lot easier, but it’s not better and it’s far too common.
Plus two minutes for a toddler can feel like an eternity filled with “what the heck have I done?” And leaving them feeling frustrated and anxious which then doesn’t help the situation at all.
Exactly! It doesn’t help at all.
What is one piece of advice that you’ve been given that has helped you the most in parenting?
Honestly, lead by example and service brings the most joy. If I’m frustrated with someone or if I find myself getting grouchy or anything like that, I will serve and I will make sure my children see me do it and that I’m happy to do it.
If I get frustrated with Atticus, I stop and think, “Well why? Why am I frustrated right now with a three year old? What has he done to hurt me?” And normally it helps to step back and take yourself out of the situation, then you can realize it’s not as big of a deal as it was in the moment and move on and play with your kid. I will just serve and love. Those are two huge things.
It’s usually just the simplest things that we far too often overcomplicate. Like you said, putting yourself out of that situation and just asking yourself that question can clear the air and then everything is alright.
I mean it is hard and far easier to say when you’re not in the heat of the moment, but if you start making that a regular thing to reference back to, like a routine knee-jerk reaction in your brain, then it becomes easier for you to make that choice or be conscious enough to make that choice.
Yeah and I think that’s a skill that takes time, and I’m still learning it. To be able to take myself out of the situation and see it for what it is or how it is, right? And that’s another thing too that is tough with this letting children figure things out for themselves sometimes.
Like if one of the kids is playing with a toy and another kid comes and rips it out of that kids hand, and you hear a scream, instead of getting all mad and running in there to resolve it for them, sometimes it’s good again to remove yourself from the situation and not jump in, as long as no one is hurt, no one is in pain, it’s a little argument over a toy, and see if maybe they can figure it out and learn something. We’ve seen some really cool results from that.
All of a sudden there’s some yelling at first, they calm down, and then the other kid will find a new toy for the one they took it from, or the one that was yelling about the toy they wanted back will just go pick up a new one. Or, we’ve seen this too, the other kid gives the toy back and says that they’re sorry and gives them a hug, and no parent said anything!
No parent jumped in or intervened or offered a reward or punishment or told them that they can’t do this. Just let them resolve it themselves. That’s another way that they’ve learned. It’s been really cool.
It was funny because when we first started doing this, if the child did something that normally they got put in timeout for, they’d do it and then they’d stop and look back at the parent. Or if Atticus hit someone and the kid would start crying, he’d put himself in time-out, not because he understands that what he did was bad, he just knows that if he does that and someone cries he gets put in timeout. He didn’t know why, he just thought that’s how it was. So we’ve had to untrain him from that.
Out of everything you teach your children, what are some of the most important lessons you hope they’ll carry with them throughout their lives?
Love God, know why you’re here, and treat everyone like you would want to be treated. Have confidence in who you are, why you’re here, and treat everyone else like you want to be treated, the golden rule.
Like Christ said, “Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, might, mind, and strength. And love thy brother as thyself.” Those two things! It’s so much easier, so many more questions are easier to answer when you know why you’re here and it’s easier to take action when you know how to treat people.
Amidst the demands and roles of life, how do you take time to care for yourself?
I think I’m really blessed, in that when I was in school, walking to school, that’s a bit of me time. Time between classes is a bit of time for me, yeah I’m studying for classes but I still enjoy that time. And something else that’s good that I’ve been growing to love more and more is time for myself, or taking care of me, often if not all the time involves Rhiannon.
I would rather spend time with her than spending time on my own. I actually don’t enjoy spending time on my own, I don’t think that’s fun. I don’t like it. So the time we spend together usually is doing a date night every week. Date night is simply popping a big bowl of popcorn, having a fizzy drink, she makes some chocolate icing in a bowl, we sit in our bed and watch a little film and cuddle, or we always read together.
Also the kids go to bed at 7:30pm and then we have some us time and we go to bed between 9:30 or 10pm, cause we’re tired and the kids still wake up every once and awhile. We normally finish reading around 9:30pm and then we just lay in bed and chat for a half an hour or so.
Honestly that’s some real me time. I mean we also do two nights a week where I hop on the computer and I play some games with some friends and one of our roommates, and Rhiannon watches a TV show with our other roommate and they chill. They’re watching New Girl right now.
Ultimately, me time is us time! As I’m married longer, the more I realize how much more I love spending time with Rhiannon instead of just myself. So the evening time is me time. And sometimes when the two kids’ naps overlap, that’s my me time.
Oh that reminds me of another thing I love to do, my hobby is writing music, and I’m actually getting paid for it.
Well congratulations, nothing wrong with making your hobby lucrative, that’s awesome! I think it’s really cool that the best way that you can take care of yourself is by caring for your marriage and therefore you’re caring for your family as you spend that time together.
Plus you’re doing this because you want to, not just because you have to and it’s important or expected, but it’s sincerely because you want to, as you recognize the strength and the care that comes from having that time together. It really helps to build that strong partnership. That’s really cool! 
Christopher with his awesome wife, Rhiannon.
Photo Credit: Jenny Pasterfield
What is one piece of advice you want to emphasize for new parents?
It’s tough because I’ve only been married four and a half years. But always remember how much you love your children, because when they’re screaming and crying all the time and you’re really exhausted, at the end of the day stop and look through some of the photos you have and just remember how much you love them. Then you’ll be fine, you really will.
Also take care of each other! New parents take care of each other. Make sure you’re having some breathing time somewhere, spending time together, and always, always offer to help each other.
What is one piece of advice you want to give to struggling parents?
That one is tough, because I guess it depends on why they’re struggling. But if they’re just exhausted, dead, and fried, especially from a new child because they don’t sleep the first few months of life or longer, I would say it would be the same advice for being a new parent.
I feel like that principle is super, super important. This child is so dependent on you and you have so much power, like you are this child’s life. So remember just how much you love your child and remember how much you as parents love each other, hopefully, that’s why you brought this bundle of joy into the world.
And family, family can be a huge help! That’s something else I’ve learned with moving halfway across the world is how much I miss my family, because having Grandma and Grandpa around makes a big difference. Having aunties and uncles around makes a big difference. It’s exhausting not having any of that, and I didn’t realize how lucky I was until we moved over here and had Adelaide. We are fried! But it’s fine. It’s totally fine.
Recognizing and utilizing our village is so important for sure.
What has proven to be most effective in how you raise and nurture your children?
Consistency, providing them new situations, and me always being there when things change, me being present and being involved with their new situations, their new discoveries, and being just as excited as they are! Not downplaying their experiences but being in the moment with them.
And it comes down to them knowing how much I love them and however that manifests itself.
What has been the most difficult part of parenting thus far?
Admitting that I don’t know anything. That’s been tough. It’s been tough when you think you’ve got it and then you find out that you don’t. That’s been tough because it’s like every time I learn something new, try it, and it doesn’t work or it does work but then your child changes and it doesn’t work anymore. That’s tough.
Or even something that is working or you think is working and then you find out that it’s actually not helping your child. Kind of like the timeout thing, like time-outs work and my kid gets scared to hit someone now, but is that why I want him to not be hitting someone? No.
Then you look at the neurological aspects of those kinds of things and you start looking into mental development and other things like that, you realize that is not what is going to help shape this child and if it does it’s not going to help them in a positive manner.
Even though right now it’s working for me as a parent, it’s making my life easier, it’s not making their life better. Admitting that and being willing to change it so your life gets a little bit harder and their life gets a little better, that can be hard too, that can be hard to learn.
It’s that thought of short term loss for long term gain, but really the loss isn’t a loss at all.
Exactly. And you will feel better about yourself at the end of the day. I feel so much better going to bed and thinking how I didn’t yell at my kids or even get mad at them today. I didn’t do anything like that. I was able to calmly explain and show them that I love them and want them to learn.
That feels so much better than knowing that I put them in timeout four times and yelled at them and held them down, making them scream and cry. How does that make you feel good? It doesn’t. So it’s like you said, it’s not a loss. Not a loss at all.
What has been the most rewarding part of parenting?
The most rewarding part of parenting is when I go to leave their room after we sing and say prayers, and my son says, “I love you Daddy!” That’s the most rewarding thing. When I don’t have to ask if my kids love me or anything like that.
When unbidden, my kids run up to me when I get home from school and they give me a kiss, they give me a hug, and then they want to show me what they saw that day or what they found, they start telling me about something really cool.
That is the most rewarding part of being a parent is knowing that they love me without any encouragement from me. It’s not like some expectation of when Daddy comes home we give him a kiss. No, they give me a kiss because they want to give me a kiss. That’s cool!
From left to right: Rhiannon, Adelaide, Christopher, & Atticus.
Photo Credit: Victoria Ecclestone
If you could go back to when you first became a parent, what would be one thing that you would say to yourself?
I would again, a lot of this is repetitive because I feel it’s true, I would say there’s no such thing as one parenting style that works for everything. Again, with the whole bribing and punishing your child only benefits you and it doesn’t benefit your child. So make sure everything you’re doing, do it for your child and make sure you understand what that is actually doing.
Look at long term consequences of the choices that you are making that affect your child. So before you put them in timeout, or sleep train them a certain way, or force them to eat a certain food, before you do these kinds of things, ask yourself what is that going to do to them in the long term if you consistently do this kind of stuff?
What is that going to teach them? What is that going to show them? What are they going to remember about you when they move out of the house when someone asks them, “What do you love and respect about your parents?” There’s a difference between punishing and rewarding versus being consistent, firm, and teaching. That’s what I would tell myself and I think that would have changed some stuff.
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Thank you again for taking part in and reading my interview for my blog series, “Here’s to You, Stellar Parent” with my dear friend, Christopher de Vries.
What is a childhood memory that you most cherish with your family?
Please comment below and share this blog post if it has been of value to you or could be to someone else.
If you have someone in mind that you think I should interview for this blog series, please let me know by contacting me either through my work email: stephanietracy26@gmail.com, or through my work Facebook page: Stephanie Tracy Writes.
About the Author
Hi there! I’m Stephanie Tracy, a freelance writer, blogger, and copy-editor for hire. I specialize in physical and mental health, parenting, and self-development. I create engaging, inspiring and useful content to help businesses progress in making their viewers into customers. When I’m not writing, you can find me happily playing with my toddler, walking in the park with my family, or indulging in a movie marathon with my husband.