Why Do Relationships Take Work? & 7 Ways to Make that Work Worth It!

“…You’re walking along minding your own business, you’re looking neither to the left, nor to the right, when all of a sudden, you run smack into a pretty face!” This is how Friend Owl from Disney’s Bambi describes the inevitable happening of falling in love.

From there you are as light as a feather, in a flurry of emotion, and without a care in the world besides the special someone that makes your heart soar.

Over time, however, you come face to face with the reality that any true relationship is not just long, care-free summer days, date nights, flirting, and gazing longingly into one another’s eyes. It takes strength, honesty, and work to build a relationship worth staying in, fighting for, and living for.

“The strongest, most enduring relationships take lots of hard work,” said Lisa Blum, Psy. D, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena and Los Angeles, who specializes in emotionally-focused therapy with couples.

In this week’s article, I’ll be going over why relationships take work, along with 7 ways to make that work worth it. The work can seem challenging and even daunting, but from personal experience, as you work together as a partnership, the work only leads to greater happiness, depth, and peace becoming a labor of love. 

1) Effective Communication

One of my favorite pieces of advice on relationships was from a social media post stating that the writer’s grandmother once told her that “when you and your partner are fighting, you both need to remember that it’s you two vs. the problem, not you vs. them.” That struck me to the core!

You two vs. the problem, not you vs. them.

Communication is the foundation of any relationship, the key is doing it effectively. All couples get upset and stressed out, misunderstandings come about, and arguments ensure along with a rise in human emotions. The key is recognizing whether you see each other as partners or opponents during the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Part of effective communication is not just about what you say but what they say. Committed listening is not simply listening to respond but listening to understand and even change for the better where necessary.

In Psychology Today’s article Great Relationships Require Hard Work, But Not Forever, the authors Linda and Charlie Bloom comment on how as we “…replac[e] old defensive habits with new, more effective practices, the work becomes easier and more natural. We automatically begin doing the things that work and let go of habituated responses that no longer serve us. While this takes time and the process is gradual, if you can stick with it, the result is not only worth the effort, it’s beyond what most of us ever thought possible.”

2) Quality Time Together

Amongst the busyness and distractions of life, we can feel like we’re being pulled in a thousand different directions while paying no mind to the growth and nourishment of the people that matter most. We assume that they should just know that we care, but we shouldn’t just assume, we should let them know.

I once heard a couple comment that they have one outdoor activity and one indoor activity that they absolutely love to do together; for them it was tennis and card games.

Put in the time and effort to take even an hour or two a day to shut off your screens and set aside your technology to talk, to read, to dream, to laugh, to hold each other, to enjoy each other’s company, and be truly present. Then on top of it, be mindful about having date nights, they can be as casual or as formal as you’d like them to be. Be sure to plan them out together.

Some of mine and my husband’s favorite things to do together are to pick a TV show to watch together, go on drives out of the city and go stargazing, go on walks around our neighborhood or in the city parks, go out to eat or order in, read a book together, and have movie marathons while we geek out over fun facts about the movie, the creators, and actors themselves.

Part of spending quality time together is coming to the realization that your relationship like any living thing grows and develops over time. So be sure to grow with it, and not grow apart or fight against the growth. You have to choose to adapt personally and together to make it long term.

3) Quality Time Apart

Just as important as spending quality time together is respecting each other’s space. It is important to discuss and be mindful of one another’s personal needs on this matter as every couple is different.

It doesn’t mean alienating yourself from the other completely, it means respecting one another as individuals with certain needs and interests and allowing them that time to be themselves.

My husband and I for example spend every other evening on our own, then together and vise versa, making it a healthy balance of being able to focus on our personal needs and recharging as we need and then nurturing and drawing closer as a couple.

Spending this time apart can make you stronger partners and make you realize how well you compliment and appreciate each other. Respecting each other’s space and celebrating who they are is a sign of maturity and sincere love. 

4) Respect

As I already went mentioned in the previous point, respect in a relationship helps in its strength and overall bond. 

Having and showing respect for one another is an expression of love, builds trust, and increases a true sense of safety and well-being.

The demeaning comment of “who wears the pants in the relationship” shows a lack of respect for one another and an imbalance of power. Receiving and giving respect means that you both accept one another, your roles, strengths and talents, and individualism that no matter how different you are from one another, it only makes you a better, stronger couple.

This then makes you both more capable of building a firm foundation of love and a life worth living for together.

5) Support

Providing sincere support to one another in a relationship helps bring added comfort, awareness, and a decrease in stress. All of this allows the relationship to not just survive but to thrive.

Showing support can be in regards to work, personal endeavors, hobbies and interests, and especially expressing a sincere interest in the support of the relationship progressing and succeeding.

Some ways to express support to one another is to communicate and listen to each other’s needs, create a stress-free environment, reminding one another that you are there for the other and that you love them, being mindful of their independence as well as knowing when to step in to offer help by making a thoughtful move, and to help in problem-solving along the way.

Being a part of the solution instead of the problem is a sign of true commitment, maturity, mindfulness, and love in any healthy relationship.

6) Trust & Honesty

When you have a supportive relationship, you can speak your mind freely, be yourself freely, and have an abundance of honesty and goodwill towards each other.

Communication is driven by compassion. You care about the other person and you want the best for them. A quote from Iyana Vanzant stated how “the key to a successful relationship is to allow the work to take place, to allow the communication to continue, and to keep your heart open to love and be loved.”

Love is not love if honesty and trust don’t exist. Trust is the foundation upon which everything else can be securely built upon in any good, healthy relationship. You can be honest about your thoughts and opinions, your feelings and experiences, your past, present, and dreams and aspirations, nothing wavering. 

7) Express Love

Taking the time to express love in your relationship should not be viewed as tedious, difficult, or a waste. Expressing love should be done openly, mindfully, & often.

Don’t allow daily happenings, work, distractions, and other responsibilities to get in the way of showing your loved one that they matter, that your relationship with them is a main priority and that you sincerely care for them.

Never assume, always show, whether by flirting, coming to know their love language and acting on it by word, deed, touch, service, or otherwise, take care of them physically, mentally, and emotionally, take part in thoughtful experiences together, and remember your vows or promises to one another – even if you are not married, there are no doubt expressions of unity you have made to one another so be sure to see them through fully. 

A Labor of Love

“A relationship is like a house. When a lightbulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the lightbulb.”

As you build, take care of any maintenance and renovations along the way, and actively care for your relationship as you would your own home, soon it doesn’t become work at all but a labor of love that you want to see progress and endure well.

Don’t demand anything unreasonable from one another, but look for ways to improve personally and as a couple so as to draw closer to one another and be actively engaged in one another’s lives as a partnership, as lovers, and as a couple.

Allow love to be the driving force that you can live by now and forever together as one.

About the Author 

Hi there! I’m Stephanie Tracy, a freelance writer, and blogger for hire. I specialize in physical and mental health, parenting, and self-development. I create engaging, inspiring, and useful content to help businesses progress in making their viewers into customers. When I’m not writing, you can find me happily playing with my toddler, walking in the park with my family, or indulging in a movie marathon with my husband.